March 13, 2002 - 8:57 a.m.
it's hard to get motivated when there is no sunshine. well, at least, that's my excuse for now. i'm not motivated to get my portfolio done. i'm not motivated to ride my bike and get some well-needed excercise. i'm not even motivated enough to make a well-balanced meal. what's wrong? last night i had very strange dreams about ryan, sara and vacuming. it was very unsettling. i spoke with kristen on the phone yesterday and she is feeling depressed and low. on monday, kyla came over to watch the naked chef and she is also feeling that unsatisfaction with life. even the oliver platt boy is suffering from constant anxiety attacks and general sadness. is there something sweeping the city of vancouver? why is life seeming so particularily hard lately?
i am not happy. school is full of stress and anxiety. every bit of work i do doesn't seem to be enough. i'm afraid to even look at the footage i shot last weekend. i'm forgetting how to do flash. my html code looks like crap in netscape. printing my stuff will be horrendously costly and just the process of choosing a printer will cause me even more stress. my apartment is a mess. i need to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the dirty corners of my floor. i need to organize the piles of papers that just seem to grow day after day. i need to listen to music on the bus or when i walk to the skytrain. at least music can keep my mind off things for awhile. but right now, i can't even put on a cd or tape. nothing sounds right. nothing inspires me. nothing can give me pleasure. and i think that's what everything boils down to. i am not experiencing any pleasure. nothing is ultimately satisfying right now.