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August 21, 2003 - 5:17 pm

it's been a strange week. it's hard to go back and try and remember every single thing, but i am definitely left with a strange unsettled feeling. i'll try my best to sort out feelings and events in a courteous and orderly manner.

one of my biggest worries has been about the future. i've been over it before, but when you owe money and work part-time for low wages, it becomes a constant. c is in the same boat too, except he's doing much worse than me. his debts are huge and he works even less than me. i guess our casual approach to work and a career isn't paying off as much as i like to think it is. c wants be better off financially before we decide to get married and even think about having a family. yes, i said family. all my life (since i announced to my mom at age 3 that i never want to ever have babies) i have never wanted kids. that is until i met c. i'm not sure if it's the fact that it is my hormones talking or that i don't want to miss out on something wonderful or it's just plain love talking, but i've been thinking about having a kid. i mean, i've never even held a baby in my entire thirty-three years of living! c wants to have one eventually and i'm thinking that maybe i'm running out of time in terms of child-bearing years. or maybe i've just been listeing to the media hype of late. i dunno. the future. it's just plain scary.

yesterday i attended my contract job meeting at the university. it sounds like a fun project and i know that i've got the skills and competance to get the website done. and done well. but i lack personal confidance...the kind of confidance that gives you the ability to appear professional and competant in front of others. but anyway, that's just my internal insecurities talking too loudly again.

after the meeting, me and c rode our bikes to the p.n.e. to go on rides and see the exhibits. it was so much fun. we saw nearly neil, monster trucks, and pig races. i even got to touch a baby pig! we didn't spend any money on mini-donuts or any other 'carnival' foods and instead spent our cash on an unlimited ride ticket. the pne has more rides than playland, so along with all the old rides, we checked out a bunch of unfamiliar new ones. at midnight, we decided to ride the 'discombobulator' -- actually the real name of the ride was 'twin spin' or something silly -- but the discombobulator suit the ride to a 't'. i don't usually feel ill on rides, but this one did me wrong. after being spun upside-down-round-and-round for what seemed like an eternity, we got off and i felt nauseous and completely not myself. after sitting down for a bit, i couldn't stay any longer and we hobbled to our bikes for the ride home. but home didn't make me feel any better, neither did 6 hours of sleep or an 8 hour work day. i'm still not feeling any better. i think the discombobulator has become the personification of all of my fears and right now i can't think of the remedy.

this is something a cold beer cannot fix.

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