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January 21, 2002 - 9:48 p.m.

ryan came over this evening to settle up with the last of his things. i had his robert johnson record and he had an elevator and nilssen record to return to me. it was a nice short visit. he watched my documentary and my 3d projects and ooooh'd and ahhhh'd at the right spots and laughed when things were funny. he was glad that i was doing well but i couldn't help but notice that he seemed sad. not quite right. before he left i gave him a big hug and wished him happiness. he confessed that he hasn't been feeling all that happy lately and that he isn't playing his music anymore. i told him that i am there for him as a friend if he wants to talk about things and i hope that one day he will want to.

i had been thinking about ryan on the weekend. actually, patsy brought it up on friday (as she is still madly in love with ted who broke up with her in may, but that is a whole other story...) i am completely over ryan. i would like to be his friend but i don't have those feelings for him anymore. i feel that breaking up with ryan was the best thing that ever happened to me (ah, if only i would have known that months ago!) i am very, very happy with my life right now and it feels amazing to admit it not only to myself, but to others as well. wow. what an amazing place to be in.....

song for the evening: roman candle, elliot smith.

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