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January 20, 2010 - 5:16 pm

I'm typing beside my mom's hospital bed. She is dying in one slow breath after the other. When I came here over a week ago she was relatively alert even though she could no longer eat or drink (though I did squeeze her the juice from an orange segment when she reached out for it). For the past 2 days her eyes don't open. They did for one frightening moment last night when the awful nurse (there is just one among many wonderful nurses here) kept stuffing morphine into her veins at a quick pace. And when her eyes opened they were cockeyed and blank. It was horrible and I had to wonder who the person in the bed was as I couldn't recognize her anymore.

I don't mind coming to the hospital to spend hours on end here. I talk to my mom and I have C here as well, so that is the greatest luxury. I love him so much and he's the best thing in this entire world to me. My brother had a baby with his wife a few days ago. My mom got to meet her new grand-daughter when she was relatively alert on Saturday and you knew that was what she was holding on to. While she couldn't really smile, she could nod that she was so happy. I thought it would be an awful thing for my brother to have his baby born and his mother dying, but I think it's really a wonderful thing (and not just a cycle of life gibberish). It's the thing that could give my mom closure and she could go in peace.

My dad is having a very hard time. Up until a week ago he still felt my mom could be cured. The nurses feel he is so devoted and they often coo how they wish they had someone who looked after them so well. I can only feel sadness because I know how often my mom cried because my dad shut her out and left her alone while she was living and breathing. But I guess it's true that you only miss someone when they are gone, because my dad is really missing her. But I can't be too hard on him because he is suffering so. So I'll try to forget all the bad times and move on. He will have to do the same soon.

My mom is in no pain (I hope) and I'll be spending the night beside her bed in the hospital cot. I've spent most nights here doing crossword puzzles with C and reading (though I'm in desperate need of a new gripping book).

I want to pour my heart out and talk so I'm so grateful at this secret space that I still have on the outer corner of the internet. Hooray diaryland! You are here when things are rough. Thank you.

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