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June 03, 2009 - 10:05 pm

Sorry, this is the only place where I feel I can vent and bitch and talk about my family. My mom especially. It's quiet here and it's familiar so please excuse these little stopovers that are generally always kind of a downer.

My mom is back to feeling not so great. She barely spoke to me on the phone today and handed me off to my dad. The other day when I called, she spoke to me only in french, it seemed like she forgot how to speak english. She's regressing. My dad says she's "slow". With brain tumors, it's really hard to guess how long she has left or how she's doing. It could be depression or it could be more.

Just now, I was clearing out my old school email address and I found so many emails from my mom. 2007, 2006 and so on. Reading over those emails brought tears to my eyes. Here she was with a teeny-tiny tumor in her brain and she didn't even know it. I forgot how she used to be. I would tell her about what was new and going on in my life, mention things that would interest her. And she was always happy for me and excited about what I was doing. It's hard having conversations now since she's not feeling very receptive and when I tell her things I know she doesn't have the strength or the will to keep up. She still cares and loves me deeply, but it's so much harder now. I want to go for a visit this summer and take her outside and have a little picnic. I want to make her a sandwich and eat with her and smile and laugh again. I'm hoping that this is just another phase she's in - her roommate died recently after all, so I can imagine the shock and sadness. I just hope she can come out of it again and be like she was even just a couple of weeks ago.

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