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December 02, 2007 - 11:56 am

it's a funny thing. i've got blogs galore but i return to this one again and again. i started this with all the pain and heartache from a break-up and now i come back to this diary with more pain and heartache. i write this entry with tears streaming down my face, sad because i feel so far away from my mom and so left out of her health and status. did i know that my mom just went through 5 more days of triple the dose chemo? no. do i really know what's going on with her tumor? not at all. all my life i have run away from my parents, my family. i ask my parents and my brother for updates, but get nothing. it's my fault for being the daughter who wants to exclude and escape all the pain of growing up in their house. i don't have many happy memories of family. my dad didn't come to my wedding because he didn't believe that my wedding was real. i can't get over the fact that in the 15 years i've lived across the country from my family, i can count the number of times (5) that my parents have called me. it's hard to deal with the pain of my family and it's harder still figuring out how to deal with my mom's cancer. i love my mom. she's a sweet and giving and good person and she's the only one who has ever been proud of me, stood up for me or been kind to me. what will happen when she's gone? what will my family become? will i still call home to talk to my dad who can't wait to get off the phone with me after asking about my health and the weather? it's so unfair that my mom has to go through this and i feel so torn up inside thinking that it's my dad who is 12 years older who should be the one to go first. it's awful thinking this way, but i've always been the bad one, the awful daughter, so my thoughts aren't such a stretch.

i guess this is a typical sad-sack entry and what else is diaryland good for nowadays anyway.

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