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September 13, 2005 - 12:58 pm

Self confidence is an amazing thing. Sometimes I've got it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think my confidence is inflated like the housing market...it appears to be fine and dandy but the bubble could burst at any moment. Living has become quite a struggle since we got back from our honeymoon. We are broke (thank goodness Cornelius has a steady job) and not being able to pay for groceries or go to shows or be spontanious has been a real mind-fuck for me. It has made me question so much about what I am doing with my life and as well, what I'm not doing. One thing I've realized is that I'm definitely not making a career or a future for myself. Working from home taking freelance gigs as they come isn't very stable nor is it going to help me in the long run in terms of a learning process or saving for my retirement. What I should be doing is taking part time classes in things that will help me get further, like a typography class or getting to know the ins and outs of pre-press. I also should be networking and meeting other professionals and setting up partnerships with like-minded people.

I've been self-doubting my skills, abilities and talents but that should stop. It's too easy (and too lucky) to just sit back and let clients come to me. Being successful can't be based on luck. I've got to take more risks and take control of my work and the direction I want to take. Self-doubt will always arise in times of struggle but if I can actually track my path and realize the steps I've taken, I should be able to conquer that nagging feeling head on.

I'm so not there yet, but there isn't any reason why I can't. It's true that in times of struggle and darkness the path you need to take can become clearer. I hope that I can take my own advice and be more active and take responsibility for my own career self. I've done so in other areas in my life so why not here? So I will pull up my bootstraps and shout loudly, "you go girl!"



And on a completely unrelated note, last night Cornelius and I made a batch of mint chocolate chip ice cream in our hand-churned ice cream maker. mmmm!

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