March 15, 2005 - 2:16 pm
i'm feeling pretty awful today. i'd like to believe that it's because i'm coming down with a bug or a cold or something, but it's definitely something deeper too. yesterday i found out that my job with end at the end of this month and that just sent me into a flurry of worry. a crisis of what i want to do with my life...again. i know it's an up and down pattern with me, mostly i'm fine, but there are a few days where nothing seems to work. i have no energy and feel that my life doesn't have a purpose. i'm home but i can't find the energy to make a skirt or work on wedding invites. i'm at a loss. i just came back from the gym and i couldn't stay the 40 minutes. i left after 22 minutes because my legs were sore and my mind couldn't take it anymore. i guess i can think good things because i did make it to the gym even though i felt awful. i did bike around like a mad woman yesterday trying to get things done. i did make it to bowling and i even biked to the black mountain show afterwards. these were all small goals that i met, but i'm not quite sure what the larger goal is.
at the black mountain show i ran into jason and he is so incredibly happy being a dad. he's cut down to only 4 days at zulu so he can spend more time at home with his family. i chatted to jen who just quit waitressing at bert's (she'd been there 5 years!) so that she could go to school to become a massage therapist. people i know are making meaningful changes with their lives. they are taking risks and finding themselves and discovering their strengths. i need to find my strength and take some risks. i can't keep drifting along waiting for things to happen. the time for change is now.