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August 18, 2004 - 10:32 pm

yesterday, cornelius came home from work with a book he took out from the library, titled "birth over 35". yikes!! he really really wants to have a baby and we've been talking about it and figure that if we do decide to have a child, next year will be the year we start trying. next year will also be the year i turn 35 -- hence the book. i'm not completely sold on the idea of kids. i've never wanted one and only recently have started toying with the idea and it pretty much fucking scares me. this evening, i decided to flip through it and managed to skim through the entire book. it didn't leave me feeling more confident....it scared the fuck out of me. the risk of having a baby with a genetic disorder goes up after she turns 30 and keeps going up and up and up. i don't know if i can handle basic baby problems let alone something more serious. definitely something to think about.

my friend is really wanting to have a baby and has cleared her house of all toxins and chemicals in order to get herself clean. she's already a vegan and now is going whole hog (pardon the expression) in trying to get herself in tip top baby-making shape. her problem is that her boyfriend has no idea of her plans and would probably freak and run out if he heard....but she's also prepared for that reaction too. i admire her determination and i'm also very thankful that i have such a wonderful boy.

i've got to get myself into shape...not for baby-makin' but just for general happiness and well-being. yesterday i went and tried on the cutest peter-pan collared shirt at the gap and my biggin's just couldn't make it into the shirt. i'm pretty active as i ride my bike daily, take long daily walks and go to the gym a couple of times a week.....but it's not helping. i guess i have to actually give thought to what i eat which is something that i've never ever done. i've never been on a diet -- nor do i want to. i've always eaten whatever i wanted which just might be the problem!! i'd like to be more aware of what and how much i'm eating and get some control over my own body. that doesn't seem that difficult, does it? one day at a time, right?

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