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May 16, 2004 - 8:30 pm

i'm feeling so chatty here on diaryland. 2 entries in one day. i've been feeling restless and today i cried hard for like 5 minutes. i don't like how i've been living my life. wasting it away. not working out. not eating right. not being creative. last week i ran into emma who i haven't seen in ages and she asked me if i had been doing any writing and said no. she asked if i was making any videos and i said no. she said, not even your fun shorts? and i said no. i didn't feel very good about my creative endeavours. i'm slacking off and it hurts. my jeans are getting snug and that makes me feel worse. i feel like i've lost some vital ingredient to being me and i don't know how to get it back. i do feel good about my relationship with c. he makes me feel smart and beautiful and sexy and creative. but i don't see myself in the same way. i need lists again. i need goals. i need projects and new adventures.

i cried hard today. i put on my gym shorts and shoes but the gym had already closed. so i hopped on my bike and rode. i hate riding aimlessly so i decided that my purpose would be to ride to alma street, which is pretty much across the city from my home. on the way back i went to visit cornelius at the ridge and then i rode home. it was a long ride and i took the hills and didn't stop once. my blood was pumping and i felt alive and strong and accomplished. it was a small goal but it's a first step to doing something.

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