October 06, 2003 - 5:09 pm
this morning before leaving for work i had a mini-breakdown. tears. fears. panic. everything. i'm not a wallower. i don't constantly think of my problems over and over again. instead, i just panic. it usually is a sudden burst and then it's gone.
this morning i freaked about my new job. i guess it was due to a bout of self-doubt in my talents and abilities, which i suppose is natural when starting something new. it disappeared completely once i got to work and got down to business and did my work and did it well. but i guess my fears aren't buried too far from the surface. sometimes i feel really proud about the work i've done, but then there are the other times when i feel like a talentless hack. a designer fake. i wonder what it will take to get rid of those fears completely? or maybe that just comes with the territory of being me. i know that these feelings would subside once i felt comfortable at my job and the people that i work with. and it would be nice if they decided to hire me full time. yes, that would definitely be nice.
but fuck my wallowing! other than work and stress about working too much (i'm really not used to it!), my life is pretty good. c and i had a great weekend. it's not like we did a lot because i was working the whole time, but the time we did share was pretty great. i can't believe how lucky i am and i know he is thinking that he's even luckier! ha!!
and thanks to asteroidbelt and her lovely garage sale for providing me with today's soundtrack.