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May 03, 2003 - 4:00 am

warning: self-pitying entry written at 4 a.m., and i'm not even drunk. mutherfucker.

it's four in the morning and i've been up since three a.m. last night was the same. worse even as i had a bit of a panic attack. tho tonight's sleepless episode started off with a bang, as tears began to fall as soon as i turned on my computer. things are not looking up. feelings of self-doubt and internal conversations of the worst kind occupy my brain. i don't know what's wrong.

i guess i'm stressed out about my birthday. not that i mind that i'm getting older, i just hate planning for a party and am really thinking of calling the whole thing off (tho i haven't even sent out invites or anything, really). and i know this entire party fear is evolving from the fact that i am really feeling cut off from my friends. i guess they are all really busy with their new relationships, but not getting any phone calls, emails or just hanging out is really bumming me out. especially as i've been the one making the calls and shit.

i'm sure i'm also stressed about moving and painting my place back to beige and cleaning and painting the new place with cornelius. and packing. and taking pictures of the stuff i want to sell on craigslist. and worrying about moving from my beloved neighbourhood to another 'hood that is a bit more isolated and maybe less safe. and i've got period cramps and my cold is through, but i've given it to cornelius and right now he is sleeping in my bed, where i should be. he is all doped up and maybe i should be too.

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