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April 01, 2003 - 9:05 pm

sometimes i wonder if i should really be writing anything down when nothing is really happening. am i only writing to create some sort of personal distraction? am i here on the computer because i don't want to do dishes or finish my taxes or make cupcakes for work tommorrow? probably. my life isn't that interesting and tho i'm pretty self-absorbed, i think i can normally tear myself away from diaryland. but right now, i'm here and i ain't fighting a thing.

that part about not fighting is pretty much true. i think i've become pretty damn complacent with my life. yes, i'm happy. i'm happy and i'm in love and i smile lots. but i'm still not as pro-active (and yes, i am cringing as i type that gawd-awful word) as i feel i should be. yesterday, i had the whole day to myself and all i did was eat and laze around in bed and read diaries. i love adventure and i love going out and doing things, but lately it's hard to get myself motivated to do those things on my own. i just don't get it. it's really getting to me.

even though i ride my bike almost every day, i've gained weight this past winter. i've always been pretty obsessed with food. it's always on my brain: "what will i eat for dinner?" "what will i eat for lunch?" "how soon is lunch?" it's something that's always on my brain. i'm probably also the only female on the planet that has never been on a diet in her life and i don't ever want to be. i just feel that i need to start making some healthier choices and start trying new routines, like going back to the gym again (which i've abandonned for 2 whole years!) and start doing last summers yoga tapes. i think that just mentioning it here in print will get me a bit more motivated to try to eat better and move more. i don't want to sound like some of my girl friends who are constantly concerned about how they look in a sleeveless tee, because generally i'm pretty happy with myself. i've just got to take more responsiblity over my happiness and self, like my march motto declared: "i'm going to make it happen", i think april's motto will be: "i'm making it happen!".

or something.....

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