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November 21, 2002 - 3:41 pm

somedays i just don't know where to start or even why. this song, by sam cooke, has been running through my head all day long. download it and you will know how i am feeling exactly. yes, i guess that's why they call it the blues.

but onto yesterday where i avoided all unpleasant thoughts and forged straight ahead into the sunlight on my bike. my first stop was the value village where i bought a fushia ski jacket and a fireking bowl for ninety-nine cents. i then headed downtown to photocopy my zines at my favorite cheapo copy place. normally they leave me alone and i like that, but yesterday there was a new employee who not only asked me if i had problems working the machine (i didn't) but kept reading my articles and asking me about what i was doing. he was sweet in his broken english kind of way, but on sunny afternoons at the copier i like to be left alone. i left with only half the amount i usually print, just to escape polite conversation.

i then met the boy and then kyla and we headed to the sug for some beer and dinner. i had the best salad (and i never order salad when i'm out for dinner) and felt very lady-like. but a couple beer pitchers later cured me of all of that silliness. it was then time to part with kyla, and the boy and me rode down into the west end for my hair appointment. oh, let me tell you how i have missed my hairdresser!! she cuts my hair out of her apartment and really does give me the best haircuts of my life. needless to say, my haircut is perfect. asymetical bangs and cute flips. i am the picture of something good. it's amazing what a good haircut can do to a girl!

afterwards, the boy and i purchased cupcakes on denman and sat on a log on english bay to eat them. and make out. in fact, the whole bike ride back to my place was filled with public displays of affection. everytime we spotted a bench along the beach (we rode our bikes along the seawall all the way home....and it was dark people!), we got off our bikes and started with the necking. good harmless in love fun! *mwah*

now back to the blues....

getting home was another feeling altogether. i checked my email and was greeted with the subject header: "we're not going to need you :(" yup, my well-paying toronto job has screwed me. i guess they didn't have as much work as they thought, and hence they don't need me. i burst into tears. first, thinking it was really cuz i wasn't a good enough designer and then because i realized the gravity of the situation. i don't have rent for december. i don't have money to live on for next month. i have no more savings. i am broke. i foolishly depended on the toronto job to cure all of my problems. and it's just my luck to have it fall through. i will have to ask my parents for money for the first time in 8 years and i don't even think they can afford to help me. my mom just got laid off and my dad lives off a paltry government pension. they really are in no position to help. i don't know what to do. i know that i will have to temp and i'll have to find a seasonal xmas help retail job to pay rent in january and bills in december. but i don't know what to do now. it's freaking me out. i know i'll just have to calm down and figure out something else and i'm sure things will work themselves out (as they always have in the past), but it's scary. my all-time number one fear is becoming a bag lady. i know it sounds silly, but it's true. i've always had to worry about money....even as a little kid. my parents never had much of it and i remember eating popcorn for dinner and rolling up pennies to buy milk. being destitute has always seemed like something that could just be around the next corner. even though ever since i've lived on my own i have always done okay, the fear is still around. i'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that something will work out.

now, can you see why i'm listening to the blues?

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