October 23, 2002 - 10:11 am
apparently yesterday's entry was my "one year on diaryland" entry. let's cue the violins and get misty on yo ass.
one year ago, i was going through a hellish break-up and feeling pretty shitty about my life and where i had ended up. i never would have imagined that a year later i would be in love and for once entertaining the idea of ending up in vegas instead of tears. my motto back then was "fuck hope" and "hope sucks" and i was miserable, cruel and felt incredibly pathetic and alone. but i had amazing friends who were strangely enough going through their own break-ups and we would cry and drink beers and laugh and help each other get through it all.
so now it is one year later and i have grown so much since then. i live in my own apartment without roomates or boyfriends. i still enjoy doing my old creative projects like my zine and making short videos and i also have found new outlets for my creative impulses. i have learned so much with my scholarship from vfs -- i can now code and design webpages, make 3d animation and edit and add effects to digital video -- where before i could only send email and use a word processing program. i have sold work to the cbc and have been hand-picked by an impressive ad agency. i have found love in an unexpected place and i couldn't be more happy. i have the strength and determination to ride my bike all over town instead of taking transit. these are all pretty great accomplishments and i must always try to remember them. it's hard when i am feeling depressed and alone to feel good about myself. it's hard when a new challenge comes along and i have to fight the impulse that says "i am a fake".
i still wear clothes from a different era that i thrift and my apartment is filled with toys and big-eyed prints. i go see local bands and ride home drunk on my bike at 3am on a weeknight. i don't know what the phrase "acting your age" means and i don't know if i ever will. i want to be a grown up. not by having a house and babies or driving a sedan to a 9 to 5 job, but to realize my accomplishments and by setting goals for the future. i want to be secure in myself and be happy about the choices i make.
it's all gonna take some time.