August 29, 2002 - 1:11 pm
on the weekend i saw the wizard of oz for the first time. i thought that by seeing this film that supposedly everyone on the planet has seen would make the world easier to understand. or something. it didn't. maybe i had to have seen it as a child so that i could be like everyone else. most things stem from childhood. my insecurities for one. i'm pretty insecure tho most people wouldn't know it...well the people who don't read my diary, that is. i don't know if i hide it well (i don't think so) or if it just isn't obvious to others (like the fact i was wizard-of-oz-less for the first 31 years of my life).
yesterday cornelius asked me if i was lonely. he is. and yes, so am i. who isn't? i mean people who are in relationships get lonely sometimes. single people are lonely more often, i suppose. last night i did something i'm not sure about. did i do it cuz i was lonely? maybe. did i do it cuz i was insecure? maybe. i may hurt someone else and i probably will end up hurting myself. decisions are tricky. emotions are trickier. can i just go about living the mantra: if it feels good do it? my friend patsy does. i choose my battles wiser....or so i hope. i know this sounds vague and strange but i don't know where my actions will lead. i don't know how i feel. who says that i have to have strong opinions or feelings about one thing. that's not me. i've never felt passionately about one single thing. i just like lots of things. i can't make up my mind. i see both sides to things and decisions become difficult to make.
i'm feeling strange again. yesterday i had a panic attack. today things feel different too. i'm not eating well today. i should eat vegetables and bread and something good for me. instead i'm eating some salami slices, drinking a coke and picking at some chips. this is not the food of a well-adjusted girl. this is bad. i have to get better.