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August 28, 2002 - 12:00 pm

i'm having my first panic attack in over 2 years. i had forgotten what it felt like...the shortness of breath, the constant moving around, the severe anxiety and feelings of helplessness. it doesn't feel good. i took some kava kava and i have tranquilizers on hand if it gets too nasty. i worked out and it has helped things a bit.

i know these feelings are directly related to the fact that i don't have any job prospects and that i don't feel that i am doing enough in terms of creative and artistic projects. i feel i am not making the most out of my time. my money situation is dwindling and there is no way that i can get money from my parents to help me out in case things get really rough. my friends have already been too generous and i don't relying on anyone else but myself. i've always been self-suficient and independent and this loss of control over my future is more than just unnerving.

yesterday i had a job interview with an interesting e-learning company. the job description in the ad when i applied was vague, but i applied anyway. when i met with the interviewer (who i liked immediately) he explained that the job was for a marketing position. the interview went well, but i am not interested in a marketing or selling position. it's not in me. i wrote him a thank you email explaining my position but said that i'd be interested if any other positions become available.

it's frustrating that i can't find any jobs that i am interested in or any that are interested in me! i've always had no problems finding a job. it's always been an easy task. i wanted this summer off. i didn't want to find work, so i didn't really look very hard, but now i'm starting to feel the pressure. i'm getting nervous and scared. the prospects don't seem good and i don't want to get stuck with something that i can't get out of. now that i'm getting older it is an all to real fear. before i could always find work in a record store cuz with low pay cuz i was young and it was easy. getting free tickets to shows and cds and meeting lots of cool people were all i cared about. it was easy. but now i can't take a low paying job. i live on my own. i don' t have roomates. i'm over thirty. i've got to start thinking seriously about my future. i realize that i will have to take an office survival job because right now, that seems all that there is avaliable. i have to get a job in september and i'm fucking scared.

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