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August 06, 2002 - 12:23 pm

how many boys hearts have i broken in the past 2 weeks? how many boys have i made cry? let's put the number at a nice healthy three. i am one mean muthafucker. i am one badass heartbreaker. i suck ass.

yes, the portland boy has come and gone (a day and a half earlier than he was supposed to). why? i didn't feel the love. i wasn't attracted to him. he was a bad kisser. he was a really bad kisser. i dumped him cuz i didn't feel a thing except my dinner from his kiss. one kiss. that's all it took. he arrived sunday night raring to go. he kissed me and i was like "ugh". i told him i didn't want to move things too quickly. the next day, he kissed me again and i knew for sure. so i spent the entire day dodging his hand and his lips. we went to record stores, we went to the beach, we went to dinner with my friends. afterwards, we headed back to my place and i told him that i wasn't attracted to him. he cried but said he could sense it. i felt like shit. we talked. we went to sleep. this morning he said he was going to head home to portland, but he appreciated my honesty. we left on good terms.

do you think i'm a flighty girl? a mean girl? a heartbreaker? i'm not. really. i'm nice and good and not at all mean. it's true. but i feel horrible all the same. kyla said that she really liked the portland boy and that he seemed reasonable and nice and smart and wasn't creepy or a jerk. but he just didn't get my motor running and there's nothing i could do. i was excited to meet him again but when i had met him in portland, i hadn't kissed him and that, my friends, as it turned out was the kiss of death.

so now i must concentrate not on boys but on getting myself a good job and getting my life back on track. okay...i really do just need th job. my life isn't really that bad. the good thing about having portland boy over is that i began seeing my town and even me with new eyes. i do like my life. it is okay. i am okay. i do a lot more than i give myself credit for. and i love love love my friends.

today's melancholy track is by donovan:the summer day reflection song.

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