July 27, 2002 - 6:52 pm
tonight is the love concert. i'm not going cuz i was too broke to buy a ticket.
true love. i am not sure if what i am feeling for the boy in portland is true love. actually, it certainly isn't. i'd like to believe it could be true -- the idea of true love -- but definitely not with the portland boy. sigh.
unrequited love. last night after i came home from a drunken and silly bike ride (no serious injuries), i checked my email and got a new one from cornelius. it was titled "you frustrate me". it was a sweetly written letter about how much he loves me, how much he thinks about me and how much he wants to touch me/ be with me/ hold me. it made me sad. i love cornelius as a friend and nothing more. sometimes i wonder am i missing out? should i just try one kiss and will that change everything? or maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while as he sorts out his feelings for me. but kissing him would be selfish. i don't want to play with his emotions and feelings. and maybe time apart is the right thing to do, but i am selfish and can't give up his friendship for even a bit. is that wrong? probably. it's hard to be a grown-up about feelings and love.
love hurts. last night i broke up with the p.y.t. i told him that i didn't feel the same way about him and that i felt we were in different places. it's true. i also told him about the portland boy (but not to a great extent). even though we had talked about this before, the p.y.t. was shocked that it happened so soon. he is so sweet and good and i wanted him to know that it's not about him. i felt bad. he felt worse. oh, what am i doing??
love is a drug. reading my recent diary, you must be thinking as have most of my friends, that i am going through boys like a hot knife through butter. i can't explain it. if it seems arrogant, it's not. i don't know why this year has been (as i've dubbed it) "year of the boy". i'm not beautiful or that smart or hot-t. i'm not your typical boy magnet. and i'm not looking for boys either. are my pheremones working overtime? i have no clue. i cannot explain it at all. so there.