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July 23, 2002 - 10:05 pm

relationships are ultimately unsatisfying. sure, there can be a good balance where both parties are feeling the love in a similar range on the love-o-meter, but relationships mainly are a balance of power. one loves the other more and someone is always bound to get hurt. usually, i'm always the one lacking power. i love more and give more and suffer because of it. but lately the scales have tipped in my "favour". i'm using quotations because i feel that i don't like having the power in the relationship. it makes me feel uneasy. and so far, 2002 has been the year that i am wearing the pants in my relationships and i don't want it! put me back in a skirt and leave me out of it.

i've got some big decisions to make. the p.y.t. is liking me a whole lot more than i am comfortable with. yesterday i was fear he was on the verge of telling me the big L-word. i don't feel the same way anymore. it's sad but i can't help how i am feeling. he is sweet. he is cute. he is hot-t. ohhhh, he is so sweet. but it all boils down to our age difference. when he says he is serious about me, i don't know what that means. what does being serious mean to a boy of 22? it certainly means different things to me. serious at my age means thinking about actually being serious. i still want to see him but on a more casual basis. is that greedy? should i break up with him? i don't know what to do. i can't handle the pressure. it's wrong not to be totally honest with him, but i don't want to hurt him at all. i do like him and he is a great person. if he was ten years older, who knows, we actually could be serious.

is it also wrong that portland boy is coming to visit me in two weeks time? is this what is influencing my decision regarding the p.y.t? here is a boy who is much closer in age (he's 29) and we do have lots and lots in common. but i don't really know him. i met him at a bar in another city and another country and we chatted over the course of a few drunken hours. so we've exchanged emails and had some online conversations through msn messenger. what does that equal up to? we haven't discussed anything really personal. what does he want? what do i expect? i am scared of him visiting me. i'm scared of not liking him (or worse, him not liking me) or scared of starting a long distance relationship. everything seems so fragile and nothing seems fair.

now if only i could just concentrate on getting a job.

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