May 29, 2002 - 7:18 pm
things are changing and i'm instrumental in what happens to me. i've been drifting for a long while now and i've been afraid of the uncertainty. that stopped today. i'm being more active, drinking more water, eating better foods. i will get up early and go to bed when i am tired. i went to the bank today and took a close look at my resources. i'm going to paint my walls. it will make my apartment feel more permanent. i will make it my home. the clean-up of my life is starting now. inside and outside. it's all important.
kyla and i will be taking part in the portland zine fair in july and i'm very excited. i have never been to portland, but i feel like it is my kind of town. any place that has a movie theater serving beer and pizza has got to be something special. i really have got to get my zine together. i had been procrastinating for such a long time that it began to feel unreal. the problem with this issue is that it underwent all the changes of the past year with me -- being so in love, moving in with ryan (my boyfriend of 5 years), starting school, breaking up with ryan, feeling like shit, moving into my own apartment, getting over it, being happy, finishing school. it's a roller coaster ride of emotions and living. it's hard to bundle all of that into some sort of cohesive paper bound zine with a silk screened cover. but i'm going to do it. i have to! once i finish that issue, it will feel like i'm finally starting the life i am meant to lead. it's all about making peace with the past, i suppose.
i was telling my friends the other day about my date with the 22 year old (from here on he will be refered to as "p.y.t.": pretty young thing). my main concern with dating such a young boy (10 years my junior) is not his physical age or the fact that, yes, he still lives at home ( i know), but the fact that perhaps dating young boys is part of not being able to face growing up. dating someone so young you don't have to worry about the future -- you only think about having fun. it's a bit of a distraction. a distraction of my life! but, i do have to say that i have (mostly) always dated younger boys. i like younger boys and they seem to like me. i don't know any older boys...they don't hang out at the same places as me, or they have commited relationships, or they are gay. ideally, it would be great to find someone my own age who likes the same things i like and has similar goals and dreams. but right now, it's all about having fun. and there ain't nothing wrong with a pretty young thing!