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May 17, 2002 - 2:44 pm

fuck. why does shit happen when it is sunny out? fuck. so cornelius and i had breakfast, he came over, we worked on our site. done deal. same old, same old. then not more than 5 minutes later, he came back up and knocked on my door. this can only mean trouble -- and i knew what it meant. cornelius came to tell me that he has a hard time concentrating when he is over or hanging out with me and the reason for this would be that he "wants to be my guy". yup. gulp. i didn't know what to say. i told him after a few awkward "ummms", "hmmms" and head nods, that i didn't feel the same way. i then asked if it would affect us working together and he said that he didn't think so. he said he just had to ask to make sure. ack. fuck. fuck. fuck.

okay, i'll back up a bit. so cornelius just called me out of the blue to start hanging out. he was kyla's friend and not mine. we started hanging out and i assumed that he was interested in me but since he never said anything, i never questioned it. we did, after all, have similar interests. then one night, he sent me a drunken email that in some oblique way let it slip that he had feelings for me. i ignored it. i felt that if he couldn't tell me straight up, then i shouldn't be the one to bring it up. he would call me or there would be strange pauses and i would think to myself "oh oh, here it goes...", but nothing ever happened. nothing was said until today. and now i feel horrible. horrible. and mean. cornelius is really shy. and i know that it took a lot for him to work up the courage to say that to me. i am mean.

this has happened before. randy once confessed his love to me and again in a similar fashion. we were hanging out at my house, he left, and then he came back 10 minutes later. he told me that he was in love with me. again, didn't feel the same way. and, it's happened more times too. why? why don't i like the boys who like me? they are good ones for sure. but i'm not attracted to them. i do want a boyfriend. i do want to fall in love again. ack.

i feel frazzled.

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