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April 28, 2002 - 9:13 p.m.

oh, another weekend of debauchery has come and gone. and i'm up for more. there's something at the sugar refinery tonight and i'm up for going out and sadly, i'm the only one. no matter, i'll just pace my tiny apartment like a mad dog. i'm feeling better and i need to roam.

friday was my turnaround. i sat around at kyla's drinking beer after beer and discussed our problems and growing insecurities. it's pretty funny having someone else around who is also feeling just as lost and ungrounded. it's someone's shoulder to cry on for a change. patsy called and invited us over for a bit of e. i wasn't really up to it since i was feeling like shit and there were other people there and i'm no good with small talk and strangers. but we went. kyla did e and talked me (oh, i was certainly willing) into doing it too. i guess she didn't want to be drug talking with strangers. i only did half but it affected me immediately. we had some good conversations and mainly continued along the same lines of talk as we had begun earlier in the evening. it was good to talk out our problems in the new e-fuelled light. by the evenings end, i was covered softly by my bed sheets and had a wonderful, wonderful sleep. my problems could wait another day.

saturday i got up late -- two o'clock in the afternoon and went out for breakfast with randy. the sun was out and it was warm and bright. in the evening, we met up with kyla and justin and rode our bikes downtown to see our friend's band play. it was good drunken fun. and the drunken bike ride home was amazing. we went back to justin's house to listen to the new wilco album (and may i say it is fantastic!) and continue our chatting. again, the night ended in a good nights sleep. a rare thing these days.

today, ryan came over for dinner and it was good to see him. he brought over some cds and i showed him my movies. it was nice. it is certainly good to see him as a friend. it was a long wait.


so i've recounted in brief detail the events of my weekend. sure, those events made my weekend happy. but they did more than that. last week was probably the worst week that i have experienced in a long time. i felt pretty alone. i felt trapped. school had ended and it left me in a broken heap. i knew it would take some adjustment and time, but i didn't think it would come on so quickly. i had no motivation. i only applied for a few jobs and spent the rest of my days sleeping. and i'm never one for afternoon naps! the nights were just as bad. i would read and read and never get sleepy and then would fall asleep in the early morning and a nightmare would wake me up. and the day would start all over again.

i didn't go out much. i didn't feel motivated to try to work on any projects. my zine, almost finished, laid untouched. i didn't call or speak to any of my friends. and when i did reach out, things always seemed unsatisfactory. my calls weren't returned or i became easily bored. i would try to leave the house at least once. i ran errands around my neighbourhood. i met cornelius for breakfast and rode my bike to the restaurant. but usually, i wouldn't leave my apartment until late afternoon. i wasn't me. i didn't even feel cute anymore. i didn't like what i was seeing in the mirror. everything was turning to shit. and this weekend, things seemed to change. things shifted back into normal. i was surrounded by the people that i love. i was out and i was doing things....although strictly things of the pleasure-seeking variety. this weekend was well needed. the seeds for recovery have been planted. monday i will ride my bike. i will visit with friends. i will look for work. i will update my portfolio. i will eat vegetables and drink lots of juice. baby steps. that's all i need. that's all it will take.

[i almost forgot: i made a great salad tonight for dinner. here it goes (a long read and a recipe to boot.... you are a lucky reader tonight!): finely shredded red cabbage, juliened carrots, celery cut on the diagonal, cold and cooked ramen noodles. mix together. dressing = vegetable oil, cider vinegar, soy sauce, hot/sweet asian chili sauce, hot sauce, lemon juice, ginger. mix throughly. throw in sunflower seeds for crunch. yum!! and if you wanna be just like me, follow it up with a homemade blackberry and apple crumble. oh lady lay!]

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