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April 24, 2002 - 8:21 a.m.

i've realized more and more lately, that i am totally self-monitoring my entries. i'm afraid of writing about people that i know. i'm afraid of telling my innermost feelings into this diary. i guess having the oliver platt boy, cornelius, sara and ryan peeking into my diary life has shook me more than i realized. i have used the 'delete' function more than once now to get rid of an entry that might have caused pain in those that i love (just in case they were to snoop around in my diary).

i love writing in this diary but i hate having that nagging feeling that cornelius or the oliver platt boy might be reading along. last week, someone did a google search for the "oliver platt boy". i'm pretty sure it was him looking himself up to find my diary again. he's a programmer who knows how to hide his tracks. who knows? cornelius send me a drunken email last night that hinted at how he really feels about me and in my first entry today (which has now been deleted), i expressed how i felt about that. i'm of the lets' just be friends camp on that one, but my deleted diary entry went on in more detail, but i deleted it quickly cos i didn't want him to find it.

i am always on about baring my feelings in a public forum. but now i'm not so sure. i will still continue to write here and i love all my diaryland friends and i love reading their words. i just have to learn how to make peace with myself and the public written word. i guess i will soon have to write for me and me alone. i guess that is the only solution. if people get their feelings hurt, then they shouldn't be reading in the first place. right? right.

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