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April 16, 2002 - 7:53 a.m.

well, for the few of you who were able to read yesterday's entry, consider yourself special. sadly, i deleted it from this log. half by mistake but maybe partly on purpose. it's something that i have never done before. if i was truely honest with myself i would not have done it. but i'm afraid of having my diary 'hacked' into again by people who can see themselves in these pages.

the quick and lo-down is that the oliver platt boy and i will no longer talk to one another (however, he did call me yesterday after this no-talking ban had been in place). i feel sad because i have lost a friend. he doesn't want to be just friends, he says he can't be. i feel like the mean girl. the bad girl. i'm sad. i feel like shit. i'm the kind of girl i never wanted to be. last night i felt encouraged getting his phone call. maybe there will be some hope. i hope so. i really do love having the oliver platt boy as a friend. i do. i do. sigh.

it's funny, ever since our teary eyed phone call of yesterday (the first one, not the last one), i've been feeling nauseous and ill. my body likes to take emotional turmoil and turn it into something quite physical. so as i type this diary entry a day later, my stomach is doing flip-flops and i just want to go back to bed. there is still so much that i have to do before i graduate on thursday and i just don't have the energy. i will force myself to go to school today and work on my demo reel. i will do backups of my work. i will make vhs copies of my movies for my friends and my parents. i will start looking seriously for a job. i will start writing cover letters. i will. i will. i will. i just want a break. a weekend is not enough! i want to cry and laugh and watch movies and listen and dance to loud music. i want to know what it is like to live without something clawing at my back. hmph.


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