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March 16, 2002 - 12:32 p.m.

this past week has been a strange one. it was down. it was up. now, it's right back where we started. i think i've made some realizations....which is generally a good thing. when i was down, i was really unmotivated. i didn't create anything new and spectacular. my friends were also really down so i didn't have anyone i could rely on for some postive energy. when i was back up, i felt loved again. the oliver platt boy was feeling better than he had felt in weeks and we had a lovely, lovely time. i was getting attention from other boys too. it was nice. i had seen an inspiring filmmaker who made be believe in artistic passion again. all was good. but today, i'm feeling down. i haven't spoken to the oliver platt boy in almost 2 days -- which is a rare thing indeed. i am missing him. and i've realized that my moods can be dictated by those around me, in that when i feel slighted by someone close, i feel sad. that may seem obvious to some, but i feel that maybe i am too affected by how someone else feels about me. i should be the one who is in control of my feelings. i should be the one who makes me feel good about myself. and sometimes i do. i feel good about me when i do something creative or i get lots of things done. when i have accomplished something or have been productive are the only times i can truely feel good about myself. it seems like some crazy capitalistic way to think. work hard=feel good. there must be more to feeling good than that silly equation? that is how my parents taught me to feel good. i've been thinking about talking to someone. a counsellor or something. gawd, i need some help! ack.

(sorry about this entry. it is just jumbles of thoughts that may not make sense to the casual observer. they don't even make too much sense to me. i just want to be happy. that's all.)

simple pleasures that would make me feel better now:

* a phone call from the oliver platt boy (hugs too!)

* hot chocolate with marshmallows.

* a really good song that would make me cry.

* new shoes that wouldn't leak in the rain.

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