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February 04, 2002 - 8:05 p.m.

i never knew keeping an online journal could be so complicated. this morning ryan had admitted to reading my diary and i am okay with that. i mean, he already knew how i felt as i am a pretty emotional person. i do not keep things inside. breaking up with someone that i loved so much for five years and being dumped for someone else made things hard. really, really hard. i did not lie in my diary nor was i ever mean or spiteful. but as it turns out, it was sara who spent the majority of time looking through my diary, reading and re-reading it. and to top it off, she has left me a spiteful note on diaryland. i just don't get it. (by the way, i have no intention of reading her diary. i just don't care to.) i'm quite happy not having any dealings with her. i'm happy that ryan is dating her. it's fine with me. why does she have to comment? why can't she just let bygones be bygones?

i don't have to defend myself. i don't have to lock my diary. i can get upset that there are some people who read this but it still won't change anything. i love having this forum and i like it being a public forum. i mean, nothing in here is super-personal to begin with. i use this diary as an exercise in writing. i use it to express my feelings and to mark changes in my life. reading older entries makes me realize how much i have grown and changed over the past few months. it has made me realize that i am a very strong person. people have always told me how strong i was but i had to see the changes in myself to realize that those changes are real.

i have nothing but love for ryan. i have moved on. i spent five years with him and i will always care for him. he needs strength too and he needs to find it for himself. i wish him well and he knows that. the fact that sara read this diary bothered me at first. now, i couldn't care less. big deal. will i care if she reads the next issue of my zine that deals with the very same stuff that exists here? nope. i don't know why she reads this diary over and over again. i don't know her. and that's fine with me.

sorry for the rants of the past two entries. let normal programming begin immediately.

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