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January 28, 2002 - 3:21 p.m.

okay, back to me. hahaha.

on the weekend i realized that i have fear. sure this realization was due in part to the e, but also it's been in the back of my mind for a long time. i used to have really bad panic attacks and they would totally ruin me and i would fear when the next one would strike. i haven't had a really bad one in a couple of years now, but i still am afraid of what could happen. even though lately i'm feeling on top of the world, i still have fear (which may just be totally normal).

i'm afraid that i won't be able to find a job in april. i'm afraid that i won't be able to find a job that i love in april. i'm afraid that i will have to move out of vancouver to find a job. i'm afraid that i will have to give up my apartment because i won't be able to afford the rent. basically, i'm afraid. i don't have a back up system. i don't have parents who could loan me money and i have never even thought to ask my parents for anything. if i fall, i will fall hard. i've always had to make things work on my own. my mom always congratulates me on my independance and i often believe it myself. but really, i think i am just lucky. and luck always runs out. i've never been in dire straights. things have always worked out for me. and i'd love to believe that things have worked out because of the things that i have done -- and to some extent, i'm sure that is true. but i also believe that luck has played it's part.

soon i'll be coming to a critical juncture of my life. school will finish, i will be broke and i will need to find a job. fast. i'm afraid. the economy is bad and there are a lot more people out there with more experience and talent and know-how than me. vancouver is totally saturated with new media professionals -- let alone new media amateur girls who can create lot of cute designs and videos. it's starting to freak me out. i don't want to end up like my parents: broke and unhappy.

it seems kinda crazy, but my biggest fear is to end up a bag lady. sure it is a completely irrational fear, but when the only person i have to rely on is myself, it makes things difficult. i don't have super-confidence in my abilities (haha). i don't have super-talent. i don't even have enough good looks to ride by on. in short, it's just me, me, me. and that just isn't enough sometimes.

(sorry you had to read this self-pity nonsense).

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