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December 06, 2001 - 6:48 p.m.

my life is school. yesterday i was there for 15 hours! today i left early so i could study for an exam and buy a christmas tree.

as part of my audio project i had to record someone and i chose to record ryan. he came by school yesterday and things went smoothly. we chatted for a bit and i showed him my 3d animations that i had worked on last term. we kissed and hugged hello and goodbye, shared lovely glances, and i was keenly aware of his hand rubbing my lower back as he watched my animations. it was a little strange. i had to keep reminding myself that he broke up with me to start dating sara. after he left, i had his voice and song in my ears all night long -- literally! it was sweet and sad. i miss him.

then this morning at school i heard a rumor that ryan and sara will move in together!!! ack. isn't that a little soon? isn't that more than just a little bit crazy?? he only broke up with me 2 short months ago and now he's gonna shack up with his girlfriend who he says is nuts and crazy. it just doesn't make sense to me. it will only end badly or so i keep hoping.

i'm sad. i keep listening to "the dark is rising" by mercury rev and my eyes start to tear. one day things will get better. one day i won't be so sad about things i can't do anything about.


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