November 22, 2001 - 9:37 p.m.
a step by step run through of my past 2 months
1. denial. of course it didn't just happen to you. you are in love. we are in love. how could this happen?? we just had great sex last night. this morning he just told me that he loves me. it isn't true. no way jose.
2. hope. okay there is much crying at this stage, but don't worry, he'll come around. there is no way he could be in love with someone else. he'll realize that he has just made the biggest mistake of his life. everynight there are tears. actually, make that everyday....you run into the washroom during photoshop class so that you can hide your tears and then spend 15 minutes splashing your face with cold water to hide your red eyes. yup, he'll be coming around real soon.
3. defeat. yes, you are still crying. you go out with friends and drink lots of beer and you cry. you tell yourself that you are worthless and ugly and fat and no one will ever, ever love you. you've been dumped. you've been duped. you are a fool. he won't come back. he's in love with someone new and he is happy, happy, happy. your battle cry has become "hope sucks". you yell it loud and you yell it from rooftops and maybe someday, you secretly tell yourself, you will believe it too.
4. anger. what a fucking asshole! he doesn't even care one bit about me. he doesn't want to spend time with me. well, fuck him!! he isn't worthy of my friendship. i have plenty of friends who love me, so why should i care about what he thinks? i should be laughing right now. i'm not stuck with a boy who doesn't think about his future or who plans on working in a call centre for the rest of his life. i'm not stuck with a boy who spends money like it's going out of style or who plays nintendo in his pyjamas on his days off. that's her burden, not mine. ha! what a jerk.
5. maintenance. you have come to an awareness of certain things. you know that somedays you will be sad and that's okay, cos those days are few and far between. you realize that maybe friendship will take some time -- and surprisingly that's more on his part than yours. you might see them on the street together and you'll walk by with your head held high and maybe a smile or even a hello. you are not broken. you are strong. hell, you are happy.