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2001-10-23 - 2:13 p.m.

mas·och·ism (ms-kzm) n. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

last night i broke my rule: i called him. he's the one who said that he wanted to remain friends and i was the one who wasn't sure about the whole friends bit. of course, it had to be me who made the call. it left me with a horrible pit in my belly and an acrid taste in my mouth. it was tense and i ended up crying. thankfully my phone died and the conversation ended before things could get even worse.

why do i put myself through the torture? why do i want to know all about him and his new girlfriend? can i be such a masochist? i guess i just keep waiting for cracks in their relationship. how can he love her more? i keep hoping that he will realize his mistake and come back to me.

believe me, i am completely aware of how pathetic i am. people keep telling me what a strong person i am. ha! if only they could see me now as the tears run down my face and i reach for another handful of chips.

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